What I Want
by miss-motormouth
Summary: Maria thinks about Alex and the events of 'Cry Your Name'


Title: What I Want  
  
Author: Emily  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Category: Maria POV, shades of Maria/Michael & Maria/Alex.  
  
Summary: Maria thinks about Alex and the events of 'Cry Your Name'  
  
Spoilers: Seasons 1 and 2 up to 'Cry Your Name'  
  
Disclaimer: Wow, I can't even think of a sarcastic disclaimer here. I guess that's because Jason doesn't screw with the characters as much as Joss does. And if he does in season three then all of us terrestial television viewers in the UK won't get to see anyway because the BBC aren't showing season three. I hate the BBC. I really do. Okay so obviously 'Roswell' belongs to Jason Katims and his minions, not me.  
  
Distribution: Fanfiction.net, Roswell lists, anywhere else please take it, just email and ask first. I'll say yes but it would be nice to know where it's up (so I can bookmark the site and visit often just to give myself a happy)  
  
Feedback: This is my first Roswell fic. I love and adore the show but I've never written fic before. Be afraid :) I usually only write Buffy fanfic so this is a big step for me. I figured when I wrote Roswell fic it'd be completely Candy Girl but for some reason this is what I came up with. Feedback is essential and would be treasured. Be constructive if you like, I want to know what you think of my voice for Maria, how I could improve, all that stuff.  
  
AN: Anyone wanna help get S3 of Roswell shown on regular TV in the UK? Check out http://saveroswelluk.homestead.com for campaigns, information, petitions etc.  
  
  
  
~**What I Want**~  
  
" Go ahead and cry now  
  
Give in to the madness"  
  
Princess Isabel always gets what she wants. Well she is a princess. A fucking alien princess.  
  
Me? No, Maria DeLuca never gets what she wants. Not ever.  
  
Even the things that are supposed to be mine – let's take Michael as an example - aren't mine. My oh so handsome alien boyfriend just happens to be Isabel's soulmate, alien partner to be or something. They were together in another life when I didn't even exist. Although she did cheat on him. Slut.  
  
I know that one day he's going to leave, and one day he'll be with her. Maybe I would feel reassured if he well... reassured me more often. Bottom line is, the relationship - although sometimes calling it that is stretching things a little, a *lot* - is ultimately screwed.  
  
Max and Liz have this perfect relationship which okay they're not in right now but it's only a matter of time. Although recently he kissed Tess. Another blond alien slut. Don't you hate that kind?. So Tess, she's his wife in their other life and boy did Max move on quickly. Or back? Is it moving back if she's an ex? An ex from another life but still an ex. Well Liz tells him she can't do their incredibly complicated non relationship anymore and then five minutes later he's sucking face with Tess.  
  
But Max and Liz, when they're together he's the perfect boyfriend. Gave her presents, took her out to dinner, said he loved her, you know the deal. Reassured her that he didn't feel anything for Tess and he loved Liz. Okay that's a bad example when you take the kissing Tess of recent days into account. Their relationship is probably screwed too.  
  
Max is my gal pal when Liz is gone and I so can't imagine Isabel being my gal pal. Can you picture her laughing herself silly over the dumbest things? I can't. I can't picture her laughing at all. That's probably because the last time I saw her she was near crying. Near crying but not. Princess Isabel doesn't cry.  
  
Maria on the other hand, she cries a lot, over Michael, over a bunch of things but right now when it's actually something worth crying over? I can't cry anymore. I wish I could.  
  
Why are all these relationships doomed? It's the alien thing. Never, ever going to work. Sometimes I wish they'd never come here. My life was fine before. *Normal*. Now it's way past normal. Normal's a dot on a line that I can no longer see. If they'd never come here Liz wouldn't be in this constant state of depression. I might have a normal relationship. Valenti wouldn't have gotten fired. Kyle wouldn't have been sucked in by the evil alien Tess and think of her as a *sister* or not to mention, have been shot. And most importantly of all? The thing I can't say, try not to think.  
  
Alex. Alex wouldn't be dead.  
  
Liz thinks aliens were involved and I tell her we don't know anything but inside, I think I believe her. I believe her and I hate Isabel for getting him involved in this. And it wasn't even her fault. I told him. It was me that told him about it. Not Isabel, not Liz. But me. If I'd never told him that oh by the way Liz *was* shot and Max, who's an alien along with Isabel and Michael healed her then he would be okay.  
  
Alex never even noticed anyone else when she was around. There was a time I wanted him to notice me. Like, hey, Maria's a girl! But it was never going to happen. Guess you can't choose who you fall in love with - which is too bad because if you could I would never have fallen for Michael. Stubborn, moody, acts like he doesn't give a damn. Ideal for a long term relationship huh? Alex, I would have chosen Alex. He'd have been sweet and considerate and given me all those things you're supposed to have in a relationship. It just pisses me off that he hardly got the chance to give that to anyone simply because Isabel took so damn long making her mind up about him.  
  
I wonder if she loved him. Finally realised what a great guy Alex was and it was too late. He spent months moping over her and she didn't even care. He left the country to get over her and he came back and she suddenly wanted a relationship with him. I can't help thinking that anyone with any sense would have wanted to be with Alex long before that. She didn't deserve him. I wanted her to cry when we found out. Burst into tears and bawl her eyes out. I would have cried if it was Michael. I cried for Alex of course. Our best friend, Alex, but I don't think I can cry anymore. Isabel didn't cry, not in front of us anyway. You'd think she could do at least that.  
  
So that's why I hate her. Blame her. Why I call her a slut and a bitch and wish she'd never come here. Because she had Alex and she didn't realise it. He *loved* her and she never told him she loved him. He would have told me if she had. She never told him and I don't know if he had her.  
  
The tears start to fall now. Hopeless tears. I want to go to Isabel and ask her all these questions. Ask her if she cried. If she loved him. Yell at her. But I don't. I don't do what I want. I sit here and I cry until it seems like there are no tears left and then a memory of Alex drifts through my head and there's a whole ocean of tears I didn't know about. I let them fall and tell myself it'll help and I'll feel better soon. 


End file.
